I encounter this topic during constellation sessions.

In my experience, the source is interference in parents’ affairs, i.e. during childhood, the child is involved in matters between adults or is required to deal with adult matters.

The child grows up faster, becomes resourceful, omnipotent, such children are often admired by adults, a pattern is created: I know better. This is logical, since adults benefit from the child’s actions.

When a child takes on the role of a parent and falls out of his or her place in the family, from the child’s place, this is a disruption of the order of life. It’s a great shame for him – he/she can’t be a child.

Own boundaries are blurred, they cannot be created, they wind around the child like a snake, adapting to the circumstances (this is how I see it).

E.g. Father beats mother – child defends her

E.g. Parents argue – they look for confirmation from the child that they are right

E.g. Parents argue – the child interferes, parents do not react, they allow interference

E.g. Parents are divorcing – the child testifies against one of them in court

E.g. The mother is furious with the father – she and the children form a front against him

E.g. A child handles school matters for his or her parents

E.g. The child is given responsibility for younger siblings

A behavioral tendency develops in adulthood – meddling in other people’s affairs or being drawn into other people’s affairs.

The consequences are disputes, losing people around you, fatigue, lack of time, neglecting yourself and your family, feeling of being used, giving in to other people, especially where there is hierarchy, feeling of being important and needed.

I act as a child and I suffer the consequences as an adult.

Suffering and pain.

Pride – I know better what is good for you.

Anger – I don’t know my limits and needs.

Fear – this is too much for me but I’m afraid you will reject me.

Sadness – I feel alone in all this.

Do you feel like it’s about you?

For starters, you can withdraw from your parents’ affairs as a child. Feel your pain of a shortened childhood, ‘I couldn’t be a child’. This will, over time, help you withdraw from other people’s affairs. The snake that is coiling around (that’s how I see it) will stop writhing, the boundaries will become strong, clear, visible to myself and others.

Magdalena Magrian-Lewandowska

‘Orders of Life’

Photo: source pixabay

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